Possible explanation?

Perhaps it could have been mine if I was competent enough. Perhaps it has been decided that, even if I could have laid my hands on it, I would not be good enough to keep it intact. That's why it's not given to me in the first place.

I'm sure that is quite true. But with all these emails, all those calls, are those meant nothing? Did I dive too deep into something that I can't climb up ever again? I thought I was close. But was it my mistake to let you fall into someone else hands instead of mine?

I tried in the beginning. Sacrificing my sleep just to talk. Writing emails as long as a chapter in the book. But did I fail in delivering my actual intention to you? Argh! I can't understand.. I don't understand.. I wouldn't understand..

After all, I am an idiot. Feel like killing myself.

Is that a simple hope which I see in the speck of light in the never ending tunnel? Or is it just another place which I can find no solace from sadness and despair. I need a looking glass. Here, give me better vision, I am willing to give you my most loyal servant - Both pair of hands.